Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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