This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
