Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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