I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my shit smells like andre
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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