Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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