totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
