yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
