i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
