Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize