new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
