For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
