Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
