Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
