you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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