Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's official drugs can't kill me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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