Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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