i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
