she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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