I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
