i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
