Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
