who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
