The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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