tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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