you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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