I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The adults are the big ones right?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
