and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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