My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize