hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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