If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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