Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
