You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
