I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
