He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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