The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
