yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
