i think my tv is drunk
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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