You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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