Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
