quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
