I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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