My Higher Power is John Stamos
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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