Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
