i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
