I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
