We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
