I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
how does that bad decision feel?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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