if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
