Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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