I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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