I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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