i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
