so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
