hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize