this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
