I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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