just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
