My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
